I was very lucky. My parents taught us quickly how to get our emotions under control when speaking to each other when we were upset. They simply would shut us off if we started to yell or shout. They would say, "there is nothing that you can't say to me in a calm voice than you can say while shouting". Don't misunderstand me, my parents were always very supportive, warm and loving, and we shared laughter and tears, but when it came to talking, we always kept a controlled conversation, which has also handed down the family rule of “never go to bad mad”. You can agree to disagree, but don’t go to bed mad.
Most of our "yelling" periods were when we were younger, i.e "You never let me stay out at late as the other kids - I hate you" - never mind that the other kids were older. Regardless, it really helped train me to stop and think before I ranted and raved. Taking a pause to think before you speak is also an affective way to stop yourself from saying something in a moment of anger that you will regret later, or will lead into another fight.
Adults who never learned this control are also as guilty as their children of letting fights get out of control. It pains me to hear a parent says their children are suffering at school from having fights, and then have them sharply yell at their child in front of me. I totally understand the pressure and frustration but it comes back to simply, "there is nothing you can't say in a calm voice instead of shouting`'.
If you struggle with communicating with your spouse or children, try to have a fair mediator with you when speaking about sensitive topics. Always make sure you start your meeting with a positive statement about the other person without a "but" in it. Just a sincerely heartfelt compliment.
Express your view from your own worries and concerns, because sometimes understanding the fears we have for our loved ones, are really our own personal fears that we are extending to them.
Be honest. There is no point in saying one thing and then reversing it later. That only creates dishonestly and confusion.
Do not use other people’s lives as examples. Focus on only your situation.
Strive to reach a win/win solution or compromise. If you agree to do something - do it.
Meet a week later to review how it is going or how to improve what you have agreed. Give praise when it is deserved.
Remember it is better to communicate coming from a loving, understanding approach vs. built up anger and yelling.
Lastly, never go to be mad. Rest well – things are always better if you had a good nights sleep and didn’t go to bed mad.
06 July 2015
A way to solving your own problem
What I would tell my younger self?
I love this exercise. Often when a client comes in who seems to be struggling with an issue, I often ask if it was me coming to you as your friend and presenting the same thing you just told me, what would you tell them to do? Then asking questions to help find the best solution. It may sound easy but the problem often is the “worry” about sharing the problem. Don’t be. That is why we call people family and friends.
Another helpful activity is to refer back to something you found challenging and think about going back to your younger self and what advice would you offer them.
Just try it. Get a recording device, go for a walk and just talk. It is like giving yourself a free therapy session. And don’t worry, people will assume you are talking on your mobile phone. It is amazing that the advice is usually something that still applies as we continue to grow personally and meet new challenges. In less than 5 minutes, this is what I recorded, but I know there is so much more to share. Remember to start by asking, “what would I tell my younger self?”.
Always try to be true to yourself, and who you are. Don’t try to be someone you are not. You are special who you are and unique. Be proud of that.
Learning is fun, and this isn’t just in school but throughout life. People you meet will have something valuable to teach you from their experiences. Like my mom would tell me, if you don’t know what someone does for a living or you don’t understand it, ask them to explain it again in simpler terms, and then ask them what they like and don’t like about what they do or where they are from. You become well rounded.
Be honest.
Try to be good to everyone you meet.
There is nothing so terrible that happens in life that you can’t share it or ask for help. You will always be forgiven by those who really love you, and ask for forgiveness. We all do stupid things
Every day is a new day! You always have a fresh start. You can always choose to decide to be happier, be motivated, be positive. Don’t think because you have one bad day, the next one will be bad too.
Don’t go to bed mad at someone.
Family doesn’t always mean a person who is related to you by blood, it can mean someone who always felt like a brother, sister, mother, father, grandfather, etc..
Try new things.
Don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself when you need to. It doesn’t matter if it is a teacher, boss, or person of seniority, but also be respectful of your elders.
Be assertive but not aggressive.
Don’t be afraid to ask for things when you deserve it – like a raise. Be proactive is asking how you can get a raise or be promoted.
Knowledge is power, so the more skills you have the more valuable you are and flexible in being able to do more than “one” job.
Even though you may not be the best at something, always give it your best.
Sometimes it is good to shine and sometimes it is good to let others shine.
Don’t be afraid about things you don’t know how to do, it always seems worse in your head than it is in reality.
Whenever you hear yourself saying, “what if something goes wrong”, turn it around to, “what if everything goes right?”. How will that make you feel! To worry about what might go wrong usually doesn’t happen but worst of all, you waste your good energy. What if UP!
Acknowledge bad feelings or situations - but don’t hold on to them. Become your own therapist and ask yourself, “how can I make this better?”.
Always look for the positive side in every situation. There always is one.
If you are feeling down, listen to good music. If you feel stressed, put on calming and relaxing music.
Read inspiring stories and self help books.
Read the front page of the paper just so you know what people are taking about.
Travel! You will have a greater understanding of people and their cultures and respect their cultures when you are visiting their country. Learn the basics of their language.
Manners are important. Please and thank you – always.
Try to have an animal throughout your life (unless you can’t take care of it properly). They add so much to your life.
Exercise and eat well. Learn about food and how it affects our bodies.
Laugh until you cry.
Be happy.
Always take care of yourself first so you can help others.
Don’t let someone else tell you what you can and can not do. Be in charge of your own destiny.
Forgive when you need to forgive. Holding on to that only hurts you.
Sometimes just sitting and being silent is all that is needed.
Keep in touch with people. Old and new friends.
Make your bed! Keep your space clean and clear.
I love this exercise. Often when a client comes in who seems to be struggling with an issue, I often ask if it was me coming to you as your friend and presenting the same thing you just told me, what would you tell them to do? Then asking questions to help find the best solution. It may sound easy but the problem often is the “worry” about sharing the problem. Don’t be. That is why we call people family and friends.
Another helpful activity is to refer back to something you found challenging and think about going back to your younger self and what advice would you offer them.
Just try it. Get a recording device, go for a walk and just talk. It is like giving yourself a free therapy session. And don’t worry, people will assume you are talking on your mobile phone. It is amazing that the advice is usually something that still applies as we continue to grow personally and meet new challenges. In less than 5 minutes, this is what I recorded, but I know there is so much more to share. Remember to start by asking, “what would I tell my younger self?”.
Always try to be true to yourself, and who you are. Don’t try to be someone you are not. You are special who you are and unique. Be proud of that.
Learning is fun, and this isn’t just in school but throughout life. People you meet will have something valuable to teach you from their experiences. Like my mom would tell me, if you don’t know what someone does for a living or you don’t understand it, ask them to explain it again in simpler terms, and then ask them what they like and don’t like about what they do or where they are from. You become well rounded.
Be honest.
Try to be good to everyone you meet.
There is nothing so terrible that happens in life that you can’t share it or ask for help. You will always be forgiven by those who really love you, and ask for forgiveness. We all do stupid things
Every day is a new day! You always have a fresh start. You can always choose to decide to be happier, be motivated, be positive. Don’t think because you have one bad day, the next one will be bad too.
Don’t go to bed mad at someone.
Family doesn’t always mean a person who is related to you by blood, it can mean someone who always felt like a brother, sister, mother, father, grandfather, etc..
Try new things.
Don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself when you need to. It doesn’t matter if it is a teacher, boss, or person of seniority, but also be respectful of your elders.
Be assertive but not aggressive.
Don’t be afraid to ask for things when you deserve it – like a raise. Be proactive is asking how you can get a raise or be promoted.
Knowledge is power, so the more skills you have the more valuable you are and flexible in being able to do more than “one” job.
Even though you may not be the best at something, always give it your best.
Sometimes it is good to shine and sometimes it is good to let others shine.
Don’t be afraid about things you don’t know how to do, it always seems worse in your head than it is in reality.
Whenever you hear yourself saying, “what if something goes wrong”, turn it around to, “what if everything goes right?”. How will that make you feel! To worry about what might go wrong usually doesn’t happen but worst of all, you waste your good energy. What if UP!
Acknowledge bad feelings or situations - but don’t hold on to them. Become your own therapist and ask yourself, “how can I make this better?”.
Always look for the positive side in every situation. There always is one.
If you are feeling down, listen to good music. If you feel stressed, put on calming and relaxing music.
Read inspiring stories and self help books.
Read the front page of the paper just so you know what people are taking about.
Travel! You will have a greater understanding of people and their cultures and respect their cultures when you are visiting their country. Learn the basics of their language.
Manners are important. Please and thank you – always.
Try to have an animal throughout your life (unless you can’t take care of it properly). They add so much to your life.
Exercise and eat well. Learn about food and how it affects our bodies.
Laugh until you cry.
Be happy.
Always take care of yourself first so you can help others.
Don’t let someone else tell you what you can and can not do. Be in charge of your own destiny.
Forgive when you need to forgive. Holding on to that only hurts you.
Sometimes just sitting and being silent is all that is needed.
Keep in touch with people. Old and new friends.
Make your bed! Keep your space clean and clear.
26 March 2015
Smoking while pregnant
I thought the article in Metro on 24th March by Tom Wilkinson was amazing. You don't need any more motivation than to watch the clip.
The harmful effects of smoking during pregnancy on unborn babies may be seen in tiny movements on their faces using 4D ultrasound scans, new research has found. Pregnant women have long been urged to give up cigarettes because they heighten the risk of premature birth, respiratory problems and even cot death.
The harmful effects of smoking during pregnancy on unborn babies may be seen in tiny movements on their faces using 4D ultrasound scans, new research has found. Pregnant women have long been urged to give up cigarettes because they heighten the risk of premature birth, respiratory problems and even cot death.
18 March 2015
Coping with a new baby
Two woman I know have just given birth. Both are struggling with the adjustment to having a new baby. The first thing I tell them is that it IS normal to worry and they have to be aware of the changes their bodies are going through during the "readjustment" of shape and hormones. The second is the sleep depravation. Labour alone can be exhausting, but to want to stay awake after the birth when you should be sleeping adds to the feeling that this is so hard. You need to rest when your baby is resting and you need to ask for help when you need it. Everything else can wait.
New parents also need to realise the adjustment to your new baby takes a few months, not a few days. It gets easier and easier as you learn your babies cries and get advice from your home visitors from the NHS. One woman's baby had a lot of wind so she was shown a technique to help the baby feel more comfortable by rotating the legs from the outside in a circular motion and then pushing the legs towards the stomach so the knees bend. Somehow it helps to release trapped wind. Tips like this can make a world of difference, but you would only learn that if you asked for their help on what to do.
And lastly, trust your instincts. Ask yourself what it is you need and follow the reply, whether it is food, sleep or a break. Then get it from your partner, friends or family.
Enjoy your precious time with your new gift. The more you relax, your baby will too.
New parents also need to realise the adjustment to your new baby takes a few months, not a few days. It gets easier and easier as you learn your babies cries and get advice from your home visitors from the NHS. One woman's baby had a lot of wind so she was shown a technique to help the baby feel more comfortable by rotating the legs from the outside in a circular motion and then pushing the legs towards the stomach so the knees bend. Somehow it helps to release trapped wind. Tips like this can make a world of difference, but you would only learn that if you asked for their help on what to do.
And lastly, trust your instincts. Ask yourself what it is you need and follow the reply, whether it is food, sleep or a break. Then get it from your partner, friends or family.
Enjoy your precious time with your new gift. The more you relax, your baby will too.
01 February 2015
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